Finals are over and another semester under my belt. The realization that I’m getting closer to my goal has not escaped me. I think I’m finally starting to not feel quite as embarrassed to just beginning my journey toward a degree.
I had some significant frustration with my philosophy class. 1) I'm desperately in need of more accountability and feed back during the semester. 2) it was just way too much work ... granted, had I done the portfolio assignments each week, it would have been a no brainer.
I'm a last minute person, so putting it off was what comes naturally. However, when the class ended, all I had to go on was nothing.
My professor, from Lebbenon, was quite interesting. We tried to tell her we didn't understand what she was wanting in the portfolio. Her response was that we *had* to understand, becausae there is no lanugage barrier because she has a doctorate in languages. UGH
I finished the semester strong. After a full semester of sweating out Personality Theories, I came out swinging. I got an A ...with a 97.5%! A full 300 pts on the paper (out of 300) 97 out of a hundred on the presentation and 100% on the final.
I'm very much looking forward to next semester and all the psychology classes. Women's Studies, Adult psych and child psych. Intermediat algebra as well.
Somehow, my body knows when it's all over. I crash and burn every semester ..the last 2 during finals, this semester in less than 24 hours of finishing, I started to crash. Sometimes, I really hate having myasthenia and lupus.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
FINALITY!
Finals week was last week ...but my philosophy professor badly planned our end of class and we wound up with a deadline of Tuesday at midnight. She also changed the assignment mid route for the portfolio. Whatevever. I've only spent 25 hours since Friday at noon on it and have about 6 more to go. (the assignment a portfolio and the final that was a total of 17 pages long! ..56 questions, essay with 2 paragraphs per question.) who wants to read 25 portfolio's and 25 finals of all essay questions.
Oh well. She emailed me that I might want to consider taking a writing class because my writing was 'rather elementary' ...yeah, ok. Whatever. I'll be sure to pass that along to my publisher. :P
Next semester I'm taking Adult Psychology, Child Psychology, Women's Studies and the dreaded intermediate algebra. I'll be ever so glad when this summer is over and algebra is permanently gone from my life!
Oh well. She emailed me that I might want to consider taking a writing class because my writing was 'rather elementary' ...yeah, ok. Whatever. I'll be sure to pass that along to my publisher. :P
Next semester I'm taking Adult Psychology, Child Psychology, Women's Studies and the dreaded intermediate algebra. I'll be ever so glad when this summer is over and algebra is permanently gone from my life!
Monday, December 7, 2009
This is my speech (roughly) for tomorrow. Woth 200 pts! EEPS!
In 1976, Karen Anne Quinlan was coming home from a party. She was both high and drunk having consumed Valium, Darvon and Alcohol. She came home from the party, made it safe in spite of her condition, but when she got home, she collapsed. She stopped breathing twice and had to be revived. She was taken to the hospital where 21 year old Karen was put onto life support. After a year, Karen’s family went to court to remove her from life support. They were successful, and Karen lived, in a coma for the next 9 years supported only by fluids and nutrition. In 1985, she died from pneumonia.
At this time in our country’s history, choices of life support and ‘critical care choices’ were left up to the doctors. Patients and their families did not have much say in them. Karen’s case did a lot to change that.
This case became well known about the time that I was a young adult. My husband, Don, and I, in large part to this case, discussed what we would want done …or not done, in the case of a critical medical emergency. We talked over time, repeatedly. We never really saw eye to eye, but we’ve made it very clear as to what we want done and not done in certain situations. On May 23, 2007 my husband became suddenly critically ill. Putting those conversations front and center in my mind, I always wondered if I would have the nerve to go with his wishes that were so different from mine. I learned, thankfully, in large part to the number of times we talked about these issues, that I could, in fact make the hard choices. We were lucky. In spite all the doctors predictions, my husband pulled through. His life is almost back to where it was before he became ill. Had I gone with my instincts instead of his wishes, he would be on a portable respirator, trache dependent for the rest of his life. Because he did not want that, the doctors were forced to look at other options.
According to the AARP while 90% of the people they surveyed (People aged 50 and older) understood what a Living Will was for, only 70% understood they could have a Medical Power of Attorney. Less than 40% of those they surveyed had ever even discussed with their families what their wishes would be. They also studied Living Wills after patients had passed away and found that it was roughly 50% that had them honored. However, those who had a Medical Power of Attorney more than 95% of the patients had their wishes honored.
I hope, that by the end of my speech it will be made clear that while each decision for what someone wants done is going to be different, that the fact that it needs to be talked about is of paramount importance. Even as young as 18 -20 years old. It is a subject that no one wants to talk about: the end of their life, but it is one that needs to be talked about with loved ones, again and again, because opinions change, technology changes and health changes can happen over a life time.
The National Association of Estate Planners and Council say “While it is human nature to avoid topics that make us uneasy, there are certain decisions that you avoid at your own peril. One of these questions is whether or not you would like to decline life support when it is clear that death is imminent or a state of coma becomes permanent. Today’s life support systems can keep an individual’s body alive for years, even if the brain is no longer functioning or the person is in constant pain.”
It would be nice if we could talk about this once and let it be. But the truth of the matter is, it is the repeated discussions of the subject that help us to form our ideals, our choices and help not only those who love us, but ourselves as well to understand what we want done. When my husband was in the hospital, because of my understanding of what he wanted that they chose to use a bipap machine instead of a respirator. The fragility of his lungs meant that once he was intubated, he would always be intubated. I have a friend with a severe form of dwarfism who lives on a respirator. She is off of it for just 2 hours a day. She has a portable one that she takes to classes, and a permanent one in her bedroom. They make sure her tracheotomy is clean and hook her up and off she goes. Even knowing that this was possible, my husband did not want to be dependent on machinery. So, the doctors knew that putting him on a respirator was not an option.
I watched families in the ICU waiting room who had never had these discussions with their loved ones. The chaos that they were embroiled in, I was spared. Trying to make medical decisions when your world feels like it is collapsing is the worst possible time to try to figure out what someone ELSE would want done. While I was scared, and definitely upset, I was, to a degree, at peace because I knew I was making the choices he’d make for himself if he were able to do so.
The US Department of Human Services has many service options available in helping you to learn about what is available and what is not. It helps you to know what costs, criteria for certain therapies and paying options, both public and private may be available to you. “Having this information helps to ensure you will have a range of options when you need long term care and makes it more likely that you will have more choice and control over where and how you receive services. “
Whether you have a Living Will or a loved one has a Medical Power of Attorney is completely a personal decision. While a Living Will is great for specific wishes, they have their short comings. There are those times that the hospital or doctor won’t have access to your Living Will. There have been cases where the Living Will has been disregarded in favor of a medical opinion. The Power of Attorney carries more weight because the doctors must abide by your wishes as expressed by your loved one.
The most important thing is to HAVE the conversation with your family, friends, significant other, spouse or whoever else might have a role to play in your medical care. Discussing it with more than one person is important, so that there is a consensus of what you want and one person isn’t bearing the burden of difficult choices.
Now that we have talked about why it is important to have these discussions, let’s discuss the things that influence choices.
There are many things that influence the choices that can be made for critical care. Not the least of which, is what happens when measures are taken to save a person …what will the quality of life be after they leave the hospital.
Some people, like my friend Erin, want as much done as possible to keep her as functional as possible for as long as possible. The idea of what is functional is different from one person to another. Christopher Reeve was left paralyzed from the neck down, with little functioning in his muscles and extremities, yet he considered his life a full one. There are many who do not see that as any kind of life they’d want to live. My husband was among them. His idea of being confined to a wheelchair, needing help to do even basic things was beyond what he could fathom as a life he was willing to live.
One reason many, including Christopher Reeves and my friend Erin choose for pressing on in uncomfortable (at best) circumstances is the frequent advances made in medicine. The possibility that life may not always be like it is now, is a hope that keeps them going.
What type of a life you are willing, or not willing to live needs to be a topic of conversation with any critical care discussion. Many things from accidents, strokes to even illnesses can leave a person with a functioning that requires assistance, either by person or technology.
Now that we’ve talked about the changes in medical science that can influence a choice let’s discuss opinion changes.
When my husband and I have talked, we’ve talked about the many situations that can affect the choices we have made. We discuss our differing opinions and we discuss why we have made the choices we have made. My husband was dead set against ever becoming dependent on a trache or wheel chair bound. During his 45 day stay in the hospital, as he started to recover he realized that needing help wasn’t necessarily the worst thing. That maybe, just maybe being here for his wife and sons was really more important than if he breathed through a trache. His choices have changed. The likelihood of another event like the last one happening is large. The way we handle it may be drastically different than the way we handled it 3 years ago.
As your life situation changes, your wants, desires and needs may change too. As you come to a more concrete understanding of what is going on with your body and the risks that we carry simply by being human you may decide that you want more or less done to save or preserve your life
In conclusion, let me remind you that if you can’t make the choices, someone will be making those choices. The choices will most likely fall to your next of kin and if they don’t know what you want, you may find yourself in a situation you never wanted to be in.
While I realize this is a difficult decision to make, one of the hardest, and the conversation can seem a bit morose please remember that it isn’t nearly as difficult as the families I saw in ICU trying to guess at a loved one’s desires.
I spoke with Dr. Ramona Bates, a surgeon in Little Rock Arkansas about this issue. She summed up her feelings on this whole issue by saying “My family went through this this spring when my mother did not "wake up" after her Coronary Artery Bypass Graft. No living will written but fortunately Mother had let us all know of her wishes and we honored them. We "allowed a natural death"
When it comes down to it, even though you’re talking about what could happen in how your life ends, what you are really discussing is living life to its fullest.
Because of Don's health we've adopted a lifestyle that allows us to live life, fully.
We plan as if tomorrow, things will come to their worst possible conclusion.
We live as if it will never happen. Ever.
This has allowed us to make all the necessary financial and medical decisions, then put them in a nice little box, only to be brought out when necessary. To live life as a 'normal' couple enjoying everything life has to give us.
Life expectancy doesn't matter one whit.
Joy expectancy ...that's our goal.
At this time in our country’s history, choices of life support and ‘critical care choices’ were left up to the doctors. Patients and their families did not have much say in them. Karen’s case did a lot to change that.
This case became well known about the time that I was a young adult. My husband, Don, and I, in large part to this case, discussed what we would want done …or not done, in the case of a critical medical emergency. We talked over time, repeatedly. We never really saw eye to eye, but we’ve made it very clear as to what we want done and not done in certain situations. On May 23, 2007 my husband became suddenly critically ill. Putting those conversations front and center in my mind, I always wondered if I would have the nerve to go with his wishes that were so different from mine. I learned, thankfully, in large part to the number of times we talked about these issues, that I could, in fact make the hard choices. We were lucky. In spite all the doctors predictions, my husband pulled through. His life is almost back to where it was before he became ill. Had I gone with my instincts instead of his wishes, he would be on a portable respirator, trache dependent for the rest of his life. Because he did not want that, the doctors were forced to look at other options.
According to the AARP while 90% of the people they surveyed (People aged 50 and older) understood what a Living Will was for, only 70% understood they could have a Medical Power of Attorney. Less than 40% of those they surveyed had ever even discussed with their families what their wishes would be. They also studied Living Wills after patients had passed away and found that it was roughly 50% that had them honored. However, those who had a Medical Power of Attorney more than 95% of the patients had their wishes honored.
I hope, that by the end of my speech it will be made clear that while each decision for what someone wants done is going to be different, that the fact that it needs to be talked about is of paramount importance. Even as young as 18 -20 years old. It is a subject that no one wants to talk about: the end of their life, but it is one that needs to be talked about with loved ones, again and again, because opinions change, technology changes and health changes can happen over a life time.
The National Association of Estate Planners and Council say “While it is human nature to avoid topics that make us uneasy, there are certain decisions that you avoid at your own peril. One of these questions is whether or not you would like to decline life support when it is clear that death is imminent or a state of coma becomes permanent. Today’s life support systems can keep an individual’s body alive for years, even if the brain is no longer functioning or the person is in constant pain.”
It would be nice if we could talk about this once and let it be. But the truth of the matter is, it is the repeated discussions of the subject that help us to form our ideals, our choices and help not only those who love us, but ourselves as well to understand what we want done. When my husband was in the hospital, because of my understanding of what he wanted that they chose to use a bipap machine instead of a respirator. The fragility of his lungs meant that once he was intubated, he would always be intubated. I have a friend with a severe form of dwarfism who lives on a respirator. She is off of it for just 2 hours a day. She has a portable one that she takes to classes, and a permanent one in her bedroom. They make sure her tracheotomy is clean and hook her up and off she goes. Even knowing that this was possible, my husband did not want to be dependent on machinery. So, the doctors knew that putting him on a respirator was not an option.
I watched families in the ICU waiting room who had never had these discussions with their loved ones. The chaos that they were embroiled in, I was spared. Trying to make medical decisions when your world feels like it is collapsing is the worst possible time to try to figure out what someone ELSE would want done. While I was scared, and definitely upset, I was, to a degree, at peace because I knew I was making the choices he’d make for himself if he were able to do so.
The US Department of Human Services has many service options available in helping you to learn about what is available and what is not. It helps you to know what costs, criteria for certain therapies and paying options, both public and private may be available to you. “Having this information helps to ensure you will have a range of options when you need long term care and makes it more likely that you will have more choice and control over where and how you receive services. “
Whether you have a Living Will or a loved one has a Medical Power of Attorney is completely a personal decision. While a Living Will is great for specific wishes, they have their short comings. There are those times that the hospital or doctor won’t have access to your Living Will. There have been cases where the Living Will has been disregarded in favor of a medical opinion. The Power of Attorney carries more weight because the doctors must abide by your wishes as expressed by your loved one.
The most important thing is to HAVE the conversation with your family, friends, significant other, spouse or whoever else might have a role to play in your medical care. Discussing it with more than one person is important, so that there is a consensus of what you want and one person isn’t bearing the burden of difficult choices.
Now that we have talked about why it is important to have these discussions, let’s discuss the things that influence choices.
There are many things that influence the choices that can be made for critical care. Not the least of which, is what happens when measures are taken to save a person …what will the quality of life be after they leave the hospital.
Some people, like my friend Erin, want as much done as possible to keep her as functional as possible for as long as possible. The idea of what is functional is different from one person to another. Christopher Reeve was left paralyzed from the neck down, with little functioning in his muscles and extremities, yet he considered his life a full one. There are many who do not see that as any kind of life they’d want to live. My husband was among them. His idea of being confined to a wheelchair, needing help to do even basic things was beyond what he could fathom as a life he was willing to live.
One reason many, including Christopher Reeves and my friend Erin choose for pressing on in uncomfortable (at best) circumstances is the frequent advances made in medicine. The possibility that life may not always be like it is now, is a hope that keeps them going.
What type of a life you are willing, or not willing to live needs to be a topic of conversation with any critical care discussion. Many things from accidents, strokes to even illnesses can leave a person with a functioning that requires assistance, either by person or technology.
Now that we’ve talked about the changes in medical science that can influence a choice let’s discuss opinion changes.
When my husband and I have talked, we’ve talked about the many situations that can affect the choices we have made. We discuss our differing opinions and we discuss why we have made the choices we have made. My husband was dead set against ever becoming dependent on a trache or wheel chair bound. During his 45 day stay in the hospital, as he started to recover he realized that needing help wasn’t necessarily the worst thing. That maybe, just maybe being here for his wife and sons was really more important than if he breathed through a trache. His choices have changed. The likelihood of another event like the last one happening is large. The way we handle it may be drastically different than the way we handled it 3 years ago.
As your life situation changes, your wants, desires and needs may change too. As you come to a more concrete understanding of what is going on with your body and the risks that we carry simply by being human you may decide that you want more or less done to save or preserve your life
In conclusion, let me remind you that if you can’t make the choices, someone will be making those choices. The choices will most likely fall to your next of kin and if they don’t know what you want, you may find yourself in a situation you never wanted to be in.
While I realize this is a difficult decision to make, one of the hardest, and the conversation can seem a bit morose please remember that it isn’t nearly as difficult as the families I saw in ICU trying to guess at a loved one’s desires.
I spoke with Dr. Ramona Bates, a surgeon in Little Rock Arkansas about this issue. She summed up her feelings on this whole issue by saying “My family went through this this spring when my mother did not "wake up" after her Coronary Artery Bypass Graft. No living will written but fortunately Mother had let us all know of her wishes and we honored them. We "allowed a natural death"
When it comes down to it, even though you’re talking about what could happen in how your life ends, what you are really discussing is living life to its fullest.
Because of Don's health we've adopted a lifestyle that allows us to live life, fully.
We plan as if tomorrow, things will come to their worst possible conclusion.
We live as if it will never happen. Ever.
This has allowed us to make all the necessary financial and medical decisions, then put them in a nice little box, only to be brought out when necessary. To live life as a 'normal' couple enjoying everything life has to give us.
Life expectancy doesn't matter one whit.
Joy expectancy ...that's our goal.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Useless information
A week from today .. a week and 4 hours and this semester will be able to be swept under the rug. I've officially been accepted at the 4 year university and am considered a 'Convergent Student' at the Community College I've been attending. The Community College I'm in is considered one of the best, and the largest Community Colleges in the Nation.
It is the 1st 2 years for 3 major state universities (including Oklahoma State University and the other one University of Oklahoma if you must know)
The school I will go to is Northeastern State University. I've heard great things about their psychology program. The main campus in Tallequah ... 2 hours away has freshman and sophomore classes, but if you live here you go to TCC. TCC has 5 Campus'. Southeast, where I attend has 12,000 students this semester. (finishing the semester)
To put that into perspective, and starting with the 2 private universities in town/state:
Oral Roberts University
Fall 2009 enrollment: 3,140 students from 49 states and 56 countries.
University of Tulsa (TU to you football fans.. this is Dr. Phil's alma mater)
4,125 Students (Freshman through Graduate)
University of Oklahoma (that other school)
OU enrolls 30,000 students on 5 campus' in both Norman and Tulsa This is undergrad and graduate students alike.
Oklahoma State University
32,402 Students over 5 campus' and Freshman to Graduate
Northeastern State University
12,000 with 2 campus' (3 when they count TCC, but then their numbers rise significantly)
TCC is one of the top ranked (in the top ten, but where in that can vary from year to year) but 488th in amount of financial aide given out. Because Tulsa County students do not have to pay to go to school at TCC.
(if they start TCC the semester after they graduate and their graduating class has graduated, so concurrent enrollment high school students pay, non traditional students pay as well as out of county students)
TCC had 3500 STARTING Freshmen this year. Add to that, the sophomores and the ones, who, like me, came back after many years of not being out and the student body soars to well over 35000 students. with 27000 full time students.
(now if they'd just start acting like they're a BIG school in the Financial Aide and counseling offices instead of pretending their a small community College! Seriously, 7 counselors for 12,000 students on our campus? REALLY?)
Next semester while my classes will be at TCC, I will not be considered a TCC student, but an NSU student whose classes are campused on TCC campus.
Slightly convoluted, but I like TCC and was more than willing to stay there an extra semester.
Besides, I wanted to take the Women's Studies class before I left, now I get to.
Assuming I get an A in personality Theories my ability to get into NSU's graduate program should be a breeze. If I pull a B, it may be more difficult and I may wind up needing to go to 'that other school' who doesn't require an A in Personality Theories.
It is the 1st 2 years for 3 major state universities (including Oklahoma State University and the other one University of Oklahoma if you must know)
The school I will go to is Northeastern State University. I've heard great things about their psychology program. The main campus in Tallequah ... 2 hours away has freshman and sophomore classes, but if you live here you go to TCC. TCC has 5 Campus'. Southeast, where I attend has 12,000 students this semester. (finishing the semester)
To put that into perspective, and starting with the 2 private universities in town/state:
Oral Roberts University
Fall 2009 enrollment: 3,140 students from 49 states and 56 countries.
University of Tulsa (TU to you football fans.. this is Dr. Phil's alma mater)
4,125 Students (Freshman through Graduate)
University of Oklahoma (that other school)
OU enrolls 30,000 students on 5 campus' in both Norman and Tulsa This is undergrad and graduate students alike.
Oklahoma State University
32,402 Students over 5 campus' and Freshman to Graduate
Northeastern State University
12,000 with 2 campus' (3 when they count TCC, but then their numbers rise significantly)
TCC is one of the top ranked (in the top ten, but where in that can vary from year to year) but 488th in amount of financial aide given out. Because Tulsa County students do not have to pay to go to school at TCC.
(if they start TCC the semester after they graduate and their graduating class has graduated, so concurrent enrollment high school students pay, non traditional students pay as well as out of county students)
TCC had 3500 STARTING Freshmen this year. Add to that, the sophomores and the ones, who, like me, came back after many years of not being out and the student body soars to well over 35000 students. with 27000 full time students.
(now if they'd just start acting like they're a BIG school in the Financial Aide and counseling offices instead of pretending their a small community College! Seriously, 7 counselors for 12,000 students on our campus? REALLY?)
Next semester while my classes will be at TCC, I will not be considered a TCC student, but an NSU student whose classes are campused on TCC campus.
Slightly convoluted, but I like TCC and was more than willing to stay there an extra semester.
Besides, I wanted to take the Women's Studies class before I left, now I get to.
Assuming I get an A in personality Theories my ability to get into NSU's graduate program should be a breeze. If I pull a B, it may be more difficult and I may wind up needing to go to 'that other school' who doesn't require an A in Personality Theories.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Holiday Weekend
I have spent this holiday weekend with my nose buried in books. Primarily my philosophy text book.
While I'm not anti philosophy, I think that I could have enjoyed this class more with a different format.
I'm certainly not organized enough to be told ... no homework from day to day, but a portfolio at the end of the semester. EEEKS!!
The first weekend was ... ah ..I'll write those chapter reviews in a bit, they're only 3 pages each, I can write 3 pages in no time.
Then the second weekend went by ...and the third ..and the 4th ...out of an 8 week class I went into this weekend having exactly ONE summary written
Needed?
12 Chapter Summaries
2 Video (documentary) Summaries
4 Special section Summaries
That's 18 reviews ... at 3 pages each. GULP!
So, now I'm down to 12 .. it would be 13 except that I wrote one last night, a difficult one ... took me two hours (out of character for me to take 2 hours to write a 3 page paper) Got on the computer to check something out ..and realized ...that one that I'd just spent 2 hours on was the ONE I'd already written. UGH!!
Thankfully, it isn't due until December 11th, so if I keep plugging away a chapter or two a day I'll have no problem getting them done.
Now I need to focus on the Presentation I have to give in Personality Theories on Tuesday ... and the Speech I have to give on Thursday. Both ..about 8 minutes long ...ugh.
I woke up at 3 am this morning realizing I'd not done my biology report ...last thing due for the class ...and it's due tomorrow. So the first 3 hours I was working today was dedicated to Biology.
The end of semester always seems to snowball on me! This time, it's in part to my own poor managment.
If only all those people who see me as super organized could see the mess I'm in. THIS is why I'm usually hyper organized!
While I'm not anti philosophy, I think that I could have enjoyed this class more with a different format.
I'm certainly not organized enough to be told ... no homework from day to day, but a portfolio at the end of the semester. EEEKS!!
The first weekend was ... ah ..I'll write those chapter reviews in a bit, they're only 3 pages each, I can write 3 pages in no time.
Then the second weekend went by ...and the third ..and the 4th ...out of an 8 week class I went into this weekend having exactly ONE summary written
Needed?
12 Chapter Summaries
2 Video (documentary) Summaries
4 Special section Summaries
That's 18 reviews ... at 3 pages each. GULP!
So, now I'm down to 12 .. it would be 13 except that I wrote one last night, a difficult one ... took me two hours (out of character for me to take 2 hours to write a 3 page paper) Got on the computer to check something out ..and realized ...that one that I'd just spent 2 hours on was the ONE I'd already written. UGH!!
Thankfully, it isn't due until December 11th, so if I keep plugging away a chapter or two a day I'll have no problem getting them done.
Now I need to focus on the Presentation I have to give in Personality Theories on Tuesday ... and the Speech I have to give on Thursday. Both ..about 8 minutes long ...ugh.
I woke up at 3 am this morning realizing I'd not done my biology report ...last thing due for the class ...and it's due tomorrow. So the first 3 hours I was working today was dedicated to Biology.
The end of semester always seems to snowball on me! This time, it's in part to my own poor managment.
If only all those people who see me as super organized could see the mess I'm in. THIS is why I'm usually hyper organized!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Surviving Suicide
Saturday was Suicide Survivor Awareness Day ... I tried to post this then, but my interenet crashed everytime I opened this blog.
When I was 14 my step father took his own life. My Daddy was my world, my security, my friend and my foundation. I don't think he knew that. I think he thought he was useless and a burden to those around him. (I know he thought that, his note said that everyone would be better off without him. How very very wrong he was!)
When 20 years was approaching, I wrote the following poem to him. Finally acknowleging that there was a bit of anger mixed in with love and the terrible ache in my heart.
ARGH! I can't copy/paste it and it's too long to retype ...so here is the link to it.
http://postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=416018
When I was 14 my step father took his own life. My Daddy was my world, my security, my friend and my foundation. I don't think he knew that. I think he thought he was useless and a burden to those around him. (I know he thought that, his note said that everyone would be better off without him. How very very wrong he was!)
When 20 years was approaching, I wrote the following poem to him. Finally acknowleging that there was a bit of anger mixed in with love and the terrible ache in my heart.
ARGH! I can't copy/paste it and it's too long to retype ...so here is the link to it.
http://postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=416018
Monday, November 23, 2009
It's Monday ... lecture today was blissfully short. This afternoon, appt with my therapist. Why I'm not looking forward to that is anyone's guess. (ok, so I've not done 1 single thing we discussed last week for homework ...in fact ... I'd have to go digging to find out what I was supposed to work on ...add to that, a significant amount of skipping meals ... who knows why?)
My mood today is less than stellar. Today would have been, had I not gotten divorced, my 25th anniversary. Now, hubby's and my 22nd anniversary is just a week or so away (December 2). I don't regret the first marriage, I hold nothing but fond memories of my relationship with him, I respect him and am even grateful that he made the choice to end the marriage as soon as it began (4 months later ..dated for 4.5 months, married for 4.5 months and separated before divorce for 4 months). So why is this bugging me today??? ARGH!
I've let myself get periously behind in my Philosophy class ... a portfolio due at the end of the semester is a bit too unstructured for me! I put off writing the chapter summaries ...after all, it's just 3 pages ...until it's snowballed into 12 chapter reviews, 2 movie reviews and 4 supplemental summaries ...and at 3 pages each ...that means I've got 18 summaries due .. at 3 pages each!
I'm also struggling to understand what I'm needing to do with this 10 page paper for Personality Theories. Developing my own personality theory ...it seems to me to be graduate level work ... alas .. I have to do it anyway and I've not gotten a clue of what's expected of me!
We've told the professor we don't 'get' what he's looking for and his response has been that when he did it he had to give a 40 page paper so we should feel lucky. (the fact that he did it as a graduate student not an undergrad is totally lost on him)
Biology is done. 1 more assignment that is done, just needs to be typed up ...and study for the final (non cumulative) and that's it! :( I've loved this class. Going to miss it!
Need to write speech too ...that's due December 3rd. 8 minute persuasive speech. ... fun stuff for an introvert.
My mood today is less than stellar. Today would have been, had I not gotten divorced, my 25th anniversary. Now, hubby's and my 22nd anniversary is just a week or so away (December 2). I don't regret the first marriage, I hold nothing but fond memories of my relationship with him, I respect him and am even grateful that he made the choice to end the marriage as soon as it began (4 months later ..dated for 4.5 months, married for 4.5 months and separated before divorce for 4 months). So why is this bugging me today??? ARGH!
I've let myself get periously behind in my Philosophy class ... a portfolio due at the end of the semester is a bit too unstructured for me! I put off writing the chapter summaries ...after all, it's just 3 pages ...until it's snowballed into 12 chapter reviews, 2 movie reviews and 4 supplemental summaries ...and at 3 pages each ...that means I've got 18 summaries due .. at 3 pages each!
I'm also struggling to understand what I'm needing to do with this 10 page paper for Personality Theories. Developing my own personality theory ...it seems to me to be graduate level work ... alas .. I have to do it anyway and I've not gotten a clue of what's expected of me!
We've told the professor we don't 'get' what he's looking for and his response has been that when he did it he had to give a 40 page paper so we should feel lucky. (the fact that he did it as a graduate student not an undergrad is totally lost on him)
Biology is done. 1 more assignment that is done, just needs to be typed up ...and study for the final (non cumulative) and that's it! :( I've loved this class. Going to miss it!
Need to write speech too ...that's due December 3rd. 8 minute persuasive speech. ... fun stuff for an introvert.
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